Strange Days

I think we've hit a point in the apartment shortage that is beyond my level of comprehension. I'm going to present my evidence, and then explain later, deal? Here's the craigslist ad I posted in its entirety:

Available immediately:
I have a small ground floor 2bd apartment with brand new carpet/vinyl. All the windows face west so it's a pretty sunny little place. Here's a video that I took in 2007:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVmNNWtFKmo

I gotta say, 2007 was a long time ago so it looks a lot better to me these days. Watching old videos makes me sad and now I wish it really was 2007. So many things I would do differently. Last week's episode of Community has made me a little too introspective for my own good, I think. You can watch it on hulu if you want. Sometimes now I think that going to the Nightlight Lounge on March 27th, 2007 created a whole different timeline and now I'm "Evil Martin" complete with goatee. And in the REAL timeline--the timeline I'm supposed to be in--I'm happily married and in love and I'm not listening to old Depeche Mode albums so much. Don't get me wrong: Violator is awesome and all, but I bet that in the real timeline my musical tastes have evolved a little. And now I'm realizing that this ad for an apartment is getting kind of...awkward.

Okay. Let's keep it together here.

$735/mo on a 9-month lease includes water, sewer, garbage. On-site laundry, free off-street parking.
Cat deposit is $150.
Small dog deposit is $250.
Apt. deposit is $300-$700 depending on your credit and rental history.
Application charge is $40 per person.

Email is best, but you can also call me at 503.771.4040.

It's a totally shitty apartment but it's technically two bedrooms and way under market so I figured the only way I was going to rent it was being funny in my ad. I put in new carpet and vinyl and painted every square inch of the place, but it's just eyeliner and I know it. I figured with a Depeche Mode reference in the ad I'd get someone that sees the place for what it is and is happy. Sure enough, a couple of 21-year-old girls are the first ones to show up and they take it.

Normally, I'd call it good and move on. But as I'm signing paperwork with them, one of them flat-out asks me, "What did your ad mean?" I was a little taken aback so I asked her to elaborate. At this point I was still assuming that my awesome marketing technique was what brought them in. She responded honestly and truthfully, "What's a depeche mode?"

Once, in the summer of 2001, I wasn't paying attention while hiking and I fell off a small cliff. I slipped on some gravel and hit my chin on a sharp rock on my way down before landing in a ponderosa pine sapling. I thankfully didn't break any bones but ended up bleeding all over the place. When I extracted myself from the tree and realized that I was in the middle of the Oregon desert, alone, bleeding profusely, and nowhere near a medical facility, I had a "moment." I remember how quickly the drops of blood disappeared in the sandy floor beneath my feet and thinking, "Wow, life is so fragile. I'm a tube of blood and meat and sausage and if I don't take care of this soon I'm going to get absorbed into this desert as easily as anything else." And the weird thing was, I was kind of accepting for a minute. It was amazing how quickly the sand drank up and soaked up the the steady stream of blood that I gave up. It seemed like an hour but it was probably less than minute, but I remembered that I always keep a supply of maxi pads in the car so I eventually crawled the sixth tenths of a mile back to my car and taped a bunch of feminine hygiene products to the deep slice in my chin and drove to the medical center in Prineville.

And so ten years later, some random 21-year-old is asking me what a depeche mode is. The scar on my chin immediately starts to itch and I'm completely out of maxi pads.

Lynnwood Apartments #D

Available in a week or so:

Dear internet: By the time you read this, this apartment will be rented. Various economic factors have made any and all advertising useless. Random people from the Midwest show up out of nowhere and rent apartments from me without even looking at them. People have started to offer to pay more than the asking rent price just to be at the top of the list. Current residents have begun to rent other apartments in the same building out of speculation. Cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria.

Lynnwood Apartments #105

This apartment is already rented, but I like the video for it a lot.

Padmapper

Well, this is neat:

Fun Apartment Contest!

$25 gift card to the very New Seasons that this apartment building advertises to be within walking distance to for the first person that can tell me the two and a half things that are wrong with this craigslist ad.
HINTS!
The first issue can be found here.
The second issue is a borderline Fair Housing issue, if you're picky like I am.
The 2.5th issue is logistical, based on the architectural footprint of the building, and don't worry if you can't get this one because it doesn't really count.

I'm purposely picking on these people because they have a history of shadiness, based on what I've heard from people that have been turned down from living there. I have no idea whether or not the stories I've heard are true, and I want to make that clear. But I personally believe them based on the two and half issues I can see with their recent craigslist ad. $25 will get you a butt-load of bulk lentils, so please make your best guesses!

1615 SE Taylor

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Dear Greg,
Let's talk about your craigslist ad.
You are a property owner and I'm just a lowly manager, so maybe I'm out of line here. But look at this from a renter's point of view:

REMEMBER TO LEAVE YOUR NAME and PHONE NUMBER TWICE.
- 1- How Many People will be living there?
- 2-What kind of job(s) do you have? and what is your monthy gross income?
- 3-OR if you are in school who is the source of your finding?
- 4-What is your move in time frame and what flexibility do you have?

REMEMBER TO LEAVE YOUR NAME and PHONE NUMBER TWICE.

The combination of allcaps and asking what kind of job(s) people have is somewhat off-putting. Maybe that's just me, though. I'm not sure. Also, you should consider going to EcoHaus and putting in some bamboo floors. Your turnover costs would be halved and you could probably charge about $50-$100 more per month. Plus you wouldn't have to charge the people moving out the cost of cleaning the carpet. It was nice meeting you in the spring of 2007.

3946 SE 28th Place

I haven't heard of Paragon Equity Partners before, but here's their latest craigslist offering. My favorite thing about this place is the following part of their CL ad:

Please call/TEXT! Doug at 503-941-0659 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 503-941-0659 end_of_the_skype_highlighting to arrange a showing. You can also follow or message me on Twitter @PortlandForRent.

Great. So now someone's doing the apartment rental thing on the twitter. This blog is so 2003. Not to mention Doug is inviting you to text him. Unless he's carrying around two phones (one for work, one for home), then I think he wins the spirit award for dedication. The last thing I want to see on my phone at 10:15am on a Sunday morning while I'm either hungover or at the beach with my family or both is "do U stil have the apt on 28th pl & do U exept ferrets?"
At any rate, although this duplex looks pretty ugly on the outside I think it's a pretty nice spot to live--especially if you're trying to get out of living in an apartment. If I lived there, I'd probably spend most of my free time here.