Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Flagged On Craigslist

For this piece of innocence:


Available 1/6/12: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2fywgWF-XQ
I don't know what to say about this one. I think it was originally a 1bd but when they filled in the pool back in '98 they added the sauna and clubhouse onto this apartment. The result is a labyrinth of Bowie-esque proportions. Well, maybe not THAT cool, but I could definitely Jennifer Connelly running around in there. Aw hell, I could see her just about anywhere to be honest with you. As long as she doesn't ever play Audrey Hepburn in some sort of biopic. That (and her craggy hip bones that you can cut bread on) is what ruined Jennifer Love Hewitt for me. She is dead to me now. You hear that Jennifer Love Hewitt?!? DEAD!

Oh crap. Now I have to go watch Labyrinth again or I'm going to be saying, "You remind me of the babe" all day. Can you imagine if you were viewing an apartment and the landlord-dude said that to you? I'd cross that place off my list in a heartbeat, unless the landlord actually WAS Jareth the Goblin King.
Um...yeah. Tangent.
Water, sewer, garbage included. Off-street parking, on-site laundry and management. Small dog friendly. Indoor cat friendly.
$300-$700 deposit.
No pet rent!
$150 cat deposit.
$300 dog deposit.
No owl deposit!
$40 app fee.

As suggested, I posted on the craigslist forums to ask why that would get flagged. I got all kinds of answers. Some were obviously wrong: "No posting youtube links on craigslist," and "It's against the rules to post an ad for an apartment that isn't available immediately." Others were kind of sad to me, and they were all along the lines of, "You didn't say anything about the apartment!" Most had some misspellings. I was actually confused why it was removed, as I read through the entire Terms Of Use on Craigslist and found nothing wrong with it. Finally I got an answer: "Stop trying to be funny. We'll flag whatever we want."

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Virginia Lee Apartments

I'm so excited about this listing!

VIDEO TOUR of a similar studio in the same building: (the one we currently have for rent is approximately 50 square feet bigger than the studio show in the video)

This is a one of a kind studio in the heart of Ladd's Addition. It is in a small 12-unit building just minutes away from Hawthorne, Division, Belmont, Downtown and many other cool areas! We have a wonderful community of people here in our building, many of them long-term residents.This suite has a spacious living room. This studio also has a few walk closets and storage areas making it a very live-able space. Stunning hardwood floors throughout the unit, tile floor in bathroom, and many other nice amenities. This studio, as seen in the video, gets beautiful day light flowing in through the living room, kitchen and bathroom windows. This studio is nestled away from the main street (in the back corner of the building) so it remains very quiet. We have a 10 to 10 rule here, no loud noise before 10 am and after 10 pm.

I don't know where to start! Okay. Calm down. Patience.
I love the fact that--for no discernible reason--the video of the apartment has a fucking Gold Panda song in it. And it's a beautiful video. I say that only because it looks exactly like the videos for my apartments, but instead of my annoying, "Afternoon everybody, nice seeing you again," you get British electronica. Also! If you pause the video at :19 seconds, then I think I can see one of my ex-girlfriends. And it's kind of a pretty place, too: Hardwood floors, what looks like the original hex-tile in the bathroom, a toilet from the late 1940s. My only complaint is that they took out the steam radiators and replaced it with an ugly gas wall unit.
I've always liked the looks of the Virginia Lee because it reminds me of The Enchanted Forest. It was kind of a tradition to skip the last day of high school and drive down to Salem to smoke pot and get really creeped out by the sheer campiness of the whole place. I think they built Storybook Lane about the same time Gene Wilder was filming Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, and there's something kind of, well, off about those things. It's like watching an old episode of The Electric Company and feeling like you're getting away with something just by being a part of it. Kind of like you're having sex with your aunt's friend or shoplifting cat food.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Strange Days

I think we've hit a point in the apartment shortage that is beyond my level of comprehension. I'm going to present my evidence, and then explain later, deal? Here's the craigslist ad I posted in its entirety:
Available immediately:
I have a small ground floor 2bd apartment with brand new carpet/vinyl. All the windows face west so it's a pretty sunny little place. Here's a video that I took in 2007:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVmNNWtFKmo

I gotta say, 2007 was a long time ago so it looks a lot better to me these days. Watching old videos makes me sad and now I wish it really was 2007. So many things I would do differently. Last week's episode of Community has made me a little too introspective for my own good, I think. You can watch it on hulu if you want. Sometimes now I think that going to the Nightlight Lounge on March 27th, 2007 created a whole different timeline and now I'm "Evil Martin" complete with goatee. And in the REAL timeline--the timeline I'm supposed to be in--I'm happily married and in love and I'm not listening to old Depeche Mode albums so much. Don't get me wrong: Violator is awesome and all, but I bet that in the real timeline my musical tastes have evolved a little. And now I'm realizing that this ad for an apartment is getting kind of...awkward.

Okay. Let's keep it together here.

$735/mo on a 9-month lease includes water, sewer, garbage. On-site laundry, free off-street parking.
Cat deposit is $150.
Small dog deposit is $250.
Apt. deposit is $300-$700 depending on your credit and rental history.
Application charge is $40 per person.

Email is best, but you can also call me at 503.771.4040.
It's a totally shitty apartment but it's technically two bedrooms and way under market so I figured the only way I was going to rent it was being funny in my ad. I put in new carpet and vinyl and painted every square inch of the place, but it's just eyeliner and I know it. I figured with a Depeche Mode reference in the ad I'd get someone that sees the place for what it is and is happy. Sure enough, a couple of 21-year-old girls are the first ones to show up and they take it.
Normally, I'd call it good and move on. But as I'm signing paperwork with them, one of them flat-out asks me, "What did your ad mean?" I was a little taken aback so I asked her to elaborate. At this point I was still assuming that my awesome marketing technique was what brought them in. She responded honestly and truthfully, "What's a depeche mode?"

Once, in the summer of 2001, I wasn't paying attention while hiking and I fell off a small cliff. I slipped on some gravel and hit my chin on a sharp rock on my way down before landing in a ponderosa pine sapling. I thankfully didn't break any bones but ended up bleeding all over the place. When I extracted myself from the tree and realized that I was in the middle of the Oregon desert, alone, bleeding profusely, and nowhere near a medical facility, I had a "moment." I remember how quickly the drops of blood disappeared in the sandy floor beneath my feet and thinking, "Wow, life is so fragile. I'm a tube of blood and meat and sausage and if I don't take care of this soon I'm going to get absorbed into this desert as easily as anything else." And the weird thing was, I was kind of accepting for a minute. It was amazing how quickly the sand drank up and soaked up the the steady stream of blood that I gave up. It seemed like an hour but it was probably less than minute, but I remembered that I always keep a supply of maxi pads in the car so I eventually crawled the sixth tenths of a mile back to my car and taped a bunch of feminine hygiene products to the deep slice in my chin and drove to the medical center in Prineville.
And so ten years later, some random 21-year-old is asking me what a depeche mode is. The scar on my chin immediately starts to itch and I'm completely out of maxi pads.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Lynnwood Apartments #D

Available in a week or so:

Dear internet: By the time you read this, this apartment will be rented. Various economic factors have made any and all advertising useless. Random people from the Midwest show up out of nowhere and rent apartments from me without even looking at them. People have started to offer to pay more than the asking rent price just to be at the top of the list. Current residents have begun to rent other apartments in the same building out of speculation. Cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Lynnwood Apartments #105

This apartment is already rented, but I like the video for it a lot.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Padmapper

Well, this is neat:

Friday, November 12, 2010

Fun Apartment Contest!

$25 gift card to the very New Seasons that this apartment building advertises to be within walking distance to for the first person that can tell me the two and a half things that are wrong with this craigslist ad.
HINTS!
The first issue can be found here.
The second issue is a borderline Fair Housing issue, if you're picky like I am.
The 2.5th issue is logistical, based on the architectural footprint of the building, and don't worry if you can't get this one because it doesn't really count.

I'm purposely picking on these people because they have a history of shadiness, based on what I've heard from people that have been turned down from living there. I have no idea whether or not the stories I've heard are true, and I want to make that clear. But I personally believe them based on the two and half issues I can see with their recent craigslist ad. $25 will get you a butt-load of bulk lentils, so please make your best guesses!

Friday, November 5, 2010

1615 SE Taylor


View Larger Map
Dear Greg,
Let's talk about your craigslist ad.
You are a property owner and I'm just a lowly manager, so maybe I'm out of line here. But look at this from a renter's point of view:

REMEMBER TO LEAVE YOUR NAME and PHONE NUMBER TWICE.
- 1- How Many People will be living there?
- 2-What kind of job(s) do you have? and what is your monthy gross income?
- 3-OR if you are in school who is the source of your finding?
- 4-What is your move in time frame and what flexibility do you have?

REMEMBER TO LEAVE YOUR NAME and PHONE NUMBER TWICE.


The combination of allcaps and asking what kind of job(s) people have is somewhat off-putting. Maybe that's just me, though. I'm not sure. Also, you should consider going to EcoHaus and putting in some bamboo floors. Your turnover costs would be halved and you could probably charge about $50-$100 more per month. Plus you wouldn't have to charge the people moving out the cost of cleaning the carpet. It was nice meeting you in the spring of 2007.

3946 SE 28th Place


I haven't heard of Paragon Equity Partners before, but here's their latest craigslist offering. My favorite thing about this place is the following part of their CL ad:
Please call/TEXT! Doug at 503-941-0659 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 503-941-0659 end_of_the_skype_highlighting to arrange a showing. You can also follow or message me on Twitter @PortlandForRent.

Great. So now someone's doing the apartment rental thing on the twitter. This blog is so 2003. Not to mention Doug is inviting you to text him. Unless he's carrying around two phones (one for work, one for home), then I think he wins the spirit award for dedication. The last thing I want to see on my phone at 10:15am on a Sunday morning while I'm either hungover or at the beach with my family or both is "do U stil have the apt on 28th pl & do U exept ferrets?"
At any rate, although this duplex looks pretty ugly on the outside I think it's a pretty nice spot to live--especially if you're trying to get out of living in an apartment. If I lived there, I'd probably spend most of my free time here.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Today in, "Things About Wimbledon Square That Annoy Me"


INTERACTIVE 3D FLOORPLANS!
This is why I have gained 5 pounds this year.

1942 SE Ladd


Here it is: My dream apartment at 1942 SE Ladd.
Here's what the FOR RENT sign says:
One bedroom unit at 1942 SE Ladd (facing street to your right), totally restored with french doors, hardwood floors, period details, tile bath, natural fir cabinets in kitchen, new plumbing and wiring, gas range and heat, laundry facilities, bicycle storage, big courtyard, and this great location. Non smoking, pets with approval only. $995 per month, $1250 security. Month to month rental.

I've been watching this place since I moved to the neighborhood in early 2000, back when it was $550/mo. I think they remodeled it in 2007 or 2008 or so. If I lived there, I'd have those french doors open all summer long and have dinner parties with interesting people that drink pernod and fernet branca. I would sit in on Anthropology classes at Reed and go to strip clubs "ironically" instead of normally. I would smoke filterless Nat Sherman Lights and drive a Karmann Ghia. I would take up unicycling and vacation in places that have a swim-up bar and always vote for whomever was running under the Pacific Green Party. My girlfriend would have one of those names that sound like a normal name but is spelled funny, like Malyssa or Gessyka or Dyan. I would care about things--like Muscular Dystrophy or Ovarian Cancer--or at least pretend to. I would make my own shampoo out of comfrey leaves and rosemary. Yup, I'd be a real catch, I would.
You can call them at 503.239.5363

Thursday, July 22, 2010

The Claire


I think it was about 2006 when this place almost burned to the ground. It was totally a different place back then: Filled with lifers from back when the neighborhood was mostly methadone clinics and biker bars, and even the Barley Mill Pub was a strip club. Oh, 1980s, such a simpler time.
Anyway, I was managing a building on 14th and Belmont in 2006 (since bought by StarMetro Properties--a fun google) when I smelled the smoke in my kitchen. Minutes later I heard the sirens. And then it seemed like everyone in the neighborhood was congregating behind the fire line in front of The Claire, watching the firefighters throw burning chunks of plywood over the roof line to crash in sparky showers on the pavement below.
I will be forever humbled and embarrassed about something I did that night: My building down the street had an available studio and an available 1bd. Having lived through a fire that was not half as bad as the Claire's, I knew that these people were not going back to their apartments any time soon--if at all. So I told a few of the now-former tenants of the nearly-destroyed building that I had some apartments available. Most seemed as appreciative as they could possibly be considering the circumstances, although dumbfounded and numb from evacuating a burning apartment building. But one guy put me in my place: He said something along the lines of, "What are you, some kind of vulture preying on victims of a fire?" I was honestly trying to help, so I was quite taken aback by his accusation. Later that night I realized that I had learned a lesson in empathy.
Oh, and it turns out that the fire was started by a model train enthusiast. So there are two lessons to be learned here: Number one, don't market your $550 studio before the fire department actually extinguishes the fire, no matter how big you think the closet is. And number two, don't run those silly electric trains on carpet.
$1125 for a 2bd is more than I can afford, but congrats to whomever owns this place now because it looks kinda nice.

2834 SE 50th


View Larger Map
This craigslist ad seems promising, or at least interesting. I actually had to call the number to get the address, and there are no pictures in the ad. Best I can do is the google streetview map above. The fact that he's answering his phone at 7pm on a Thursday might be a good sign. $900 for a 2bd with hardwood floors seems like a pretty good deal. For comparison, I'm renting a 1920s 2.5bd on 20th and Salmon for $1140 (hardwoods) and a 2bd on 40th and Francis for $800 (carpet). If it really is just a triplex (tough to figure without visiting the place), then it seems like a relatively chill place.

House in the Woods

Right after high school, I moved into a pole building about half a mile from this place. We had seven acres of old growth douglas fir mixed with 2nd growth hemlock, spruce and various alders and poplars. Got kicked out after 3 months for leaving a broken dryer on the front porch. I'd love to move back there someday, but sadly I'm not 18 years old. So instead, there's this song:

Orenco Station--Nexus


Other than driving by this place once two years ago, I don't really know much about Orenco Station. It's supposed to be a high-density neighborhood right on the MAX line with all the shopping/bars/stores you could possibly need within walking distance, which I think is pretty awesome--especially for Hillsboro (or Beaverton, or whatever town it's in). I'm thinking it's a mixture of rentals and condos, which is also pretty cool in terms of making sure there are a good mix of people in the neighborhood. They even have a farmer's market that, for some reason, Captured By Porches Brewery attends. So even though I don't know anyone that has any intention of living in this place, no matter how nice it sounds, I feel like I have to bring up their new craigslist ad:
Yup, Nexus has all the good stuff...seriously. We don't mess around masking old with new, we are the real deal. Nexus was built in 2007 and 2008, so is more than just new carpet and paint. Each Apartment Home is air conditioned, wired for fios, equipped with full sized washer/ dryer. Nexus also has a sparkly pool, hot tub, firepit, 24 hour gym, business center, media room, awesome staff....not to mention we are located right in the heart of Orenco Station, next door to the Orenco Station Max. If that doesn't work for ya, Starbucks and Newseasons are literally across the street, seriously.
When I first read it, I thought it was kinda clever because that's probably how I would try to write an ad for something like Orenco: Kinda casual and maybe a little braggy. But when I read it a second and third time I began to get annoyed by three things:
  1. The phrase "We are the real deal" seems kind of douchy for some reason.
  2. The misspelling of "New Seasons." It is so not one word.
  3. The reuse of the word "seriously." It's used in the first sentence after points of ellipsis, and then in the last sentence it's used after a comma. Is this intentional? If so, is it reused to subtly frame the paragraph? It's driving me crazy.
If it weren't after business hours, I'd probably call up Orenco Station and ask to speak to the author of this ad, just so I can find some closure to my issue with that adverb. I am "seriously" not going to be able to sleep tonight because of this.

UPDATE: Oh crap. It gets worse. SERIOUSLY:
Nexus is a newer community located in the heart of Orenco Station. We have it all here Seriously.. Shopping just seconds away, Costco,New Seasons and outdoor mall. Our clubhouse fetures a business center complete with FREE faxing for our residents! and 24hour fitness center. If you like lounging by the pool we have that too.. we also offer large gas grill and Fire pit to have the ultimate summer bbq by the pool... We love love our residents SERIOUSLY!!

UPDATE 2: Kill me now.

Seriously, Live Here.


Thursday, July 15, 2010

Clinton Court Apartments


I read somewhere that we hate our parents' architecture, but we love our grandparents' architecture. So I guess that means that since it's 2010 now we can begin to start appreciating things built in the 1950s like Clinton Court.
I don't like the carpet or the gas heat that probably isn't included in your rent, but not having upstairs neighbors is a definite plus. I'm normally not a big fan of large expanses of fertilized lawns, but something about the grass at Clinton Court makes me want to play lawn darts.
Sometimes when I'm scrolling through craigslist or doing my market surveys (when I have to go actually visit places like this pretending I'm looking for an apartment), I like to imagine that I really am looking for a new place to live. I'm fresh out of grad school, say Boise State or maybe Wyoming. I'm looking for a job in teaching but my real passion is starting a biodynamic goat cheese operation. Brenda, the landlord, is talking up the new energy-efficient windows but my eyes are fixed on the girl fumbling with her keys two apartments over. Her shoulder-length dark brown hair just barely obscures the top of the tattoo on the nape of her neck that reminds me of a mid-1990s corporate logo that I can't quite place. Sega Dreamcast? As a single-serving cup of yogurt drops from her grocery bag she turns her head and I notice that her too-pale face is framed perfectly by uneven home-cut bangs. The yogurt cup has cracked on the side after impacting the concrete, but only slightly so nothing has leaked out. She picks it up and sets it on the edge of the arm of the antique-ish chair that was obviously left behind by the previous tenants: It's sun-baked to the point that the grain is beginning to crack at the edges, but it looks comfortable enough. With her free hand she works the door open and disappears for a few seconds and then pokes her head and arm back out the door to retrieve the yogurt cup. Our eyes meet briefly and I turn away pretending to admire the obviously new polished nickel lever lock that Brenda has installed after each move-out. Yes, Brenda, I would like to take an application. As a matter of fact, would you mind if I filled this out right now? Am I first in line for this place? Brenda subconsciously adjusts her frosted blond hair and glances down at her heels and says yes, this apartment is yours if you pass the crime screening.
As I'm moving in 4 days later, I realize that the only piece of actual furniture that I've managed to hold on to since moving out of the dorms in Boise or Wyoming or wherever is a handed-down aluminum-legged dining room table with a formica kidney-shaped pattern on the top of it--and three of the possible four matching chairs. My major was in agriculture, not in moving furniture, so I'm having trouble figuring out how to get the table inside. Professor Channing knew everything about goats, but all those years grading papers in grad school taught me nothing about moving furniture.
"Having trouble?" says the throaty yet feminine voice behind me. I'm immediately startled and turn around to realize it's yogurt-bangs. The first thing I notice are the wool socks. It's pushing 80 degrees and she's wearing wool socks. "You have to turn it on its side," she says. And before I can even react she snubs her cigarette out on my sidewalk. I say my sidewalk because even though you can't get to her apartment without walking in front of her apartment, I assumed that this patch of cement was unofficially mine. It's strange with these 1950s places: I automatically assume that the sidewalk extending from the edge of my bedroom window to the opposite edge of my door is both community space and not. I reserve the right to put a folding REI chair there, and I expect no one to violate my perceived space. Yogurt-bangs simultaneously desecrates and solidifies this preconceived notion with two quick twists of her ankle. She picks up the outside end of the table, looks expectantly at me to grab my end, and then twists it 90 degrees.
"Now go left. No, your left," she says as we make the corner around the almond-colored Frigidaire and finally put it in a place that seems logical to me. I pretend to make sure that the legs of the table are in line with wall and notice that she's wearing bicycle shorts beneath her goldenrod and light purple dress. In a flash I remember my girlfriend--no, my ex-girlfriend now--back in Wyoming and unconsciously make a bare thigh comparison. Justine was tan, smooth, magazine quality. She was perfect in so many ways, and ever since we broke up two years ago I cringe with heart-broken longing whenever I smell her perfume. We had an inside joke about it and called it "Vanillaroma." To this day, I can't bake cookies without reeling back in regret.
I instantly pull myself up from under the table, embarrassed that perhaps yogurt-bangs caught me looking up her skirt. "Water pressure's pretty good here," she says. "Welcome to the neighborhood."

Woah. Sorry. Got a little carried away there. Would be a neat craigslist ad though.

I know I have to stop ragging on Wimbledon Square, but...


seriously. What's up with the weird rental amounts? $801? $632? $708?
I mean, c'mon. Yes, I understand it's a marketing gimmick and it makes you stand out on craigslist a little. But if someone at a bar asked me how much my rent was and I had to say "Oh, it's $673 per month not including utilities," then I would feel like a total douche nozzle. So congratulations, Wimbledon Square Apartments: You have finally become so annoying that you have your own actual tag/label on this stupid blog now. I'm going to slowly go through every post about you from the last 4 years and label them with "Wimbledon" so my disdain can be documented and possibly brought up in a future libel lawsuit.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

385 N Hayden Bay Drive

Woo-hoo!
Rent this one-bedroom condo from me and I'll be your facebook friend forever.

I have no idea how to rent this place. I did a little market survey of similar places in the neighborhood and the rents range from $599-$700. So I'm staying firm at $625. For me, renting apartments and houses in SE is easy because I'm pretty much my own demographic. But out in the weird purgatory that is half-Portland/half-Vancouver, I'm lost. Who lives out there? And why? Maybe you are a carousel operator at Jantzen Beach and you don't have a car? Maybe you want all the joys of living NEAR Vancouver without all the pesky tax breaks? I have no idea. I've had it on Craigslist for 2 weeks but not one phone call or email. Find someone to take this place for me and I'll give you $100 cash.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I'm on a boat!

What do Mel Gibson, Keanu Reeves, and Steve Guttenberg all have in common? They've all played characters that have lived the best movie cliche ever: Living on a boat. Sometimes I wish I weren't all responsible and stuff, because I could totally see myself being a washed-up former cop that starts his own detective agency who one day takes on the case of a lifetime. With sexy results!

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Valencia Apartments


I've always loved the Valencia. Living above a yarn store would give me a weird yet warm feeling of safety, like snuggling up in a wool blanket with 1990s Cher. The studios are always immaculately clean when I go check them out, pretending to need a studio. That is my sad life.
$735 seems like a lot for a studio there, especially since I think you have to pay for your own heat, so I can understand offering a special to get people in the door. But seriously? A free month at LA Fitness? That's like, the worst special ever. It's like getting a free 24oz Sprite. Two sips in, and I'm thinking it's more trouble than it's worth.