Orenco Station--Nexus

Other than driving by this place once two years ago, I don't really know much about Orenco Station. It's supposed to be a high-density neighborhood right on the MAX line with all the shopping/bars/stores you could possibly need within walking distance, which I think is pretty awesome--especially for Hillsboro (or Beaverton, or whatever town it's in). I'm thinking it's a mixture of rentals and condos, which is also pretty cool in terms of making sure there are a good mix of people in the neighborhood. They even have a farmer's market that, for some reason, Captured By Porches Brewery attends. So even though I don't know anyone that has any intention of living in this place, no matter how nice it sounds, I feel like I have to bring up their new craigslist ad:

Yup, Nexus has all the good stuff...seriously. We don't mess around masking old with new, we are the real deal. Nexus was built in 2007 and 2008, so is more than just new carpet and paint. Each Apartment Home is air conditioned, wired for fios, equipped with full sized washer/ dryer. Nexus also has a sparkly pool, hot tub, firepit, 24 hour gym, business center, media room, awesome staff....not to mention we are located right in the heart of Orenco Station, next door to the Orenco Station Max. If that doesn't work for ya, Starbucks and Newseasons are literally across the street, seriously.

When I first read it, I thought it was kinda clever because that's probably how I would try to write an ad for something like Orenco: Kinda casual and maybe a little braggy. But when I read it a second and third time I began to get annoyed by three things:

1. The phrase "We are the real deal" seems kind of douchy for some reason.
2. The misspelling of "New Seasons." It is so not one word.
3. The reuse of the word "seriously." It's used in the first sentence after points of ellipsis, and then in the last sentence it's used after a comma. Is this intentional? If so, is it reused to subtly frame the paragraph? It's driving me crazy.
   

If it weren't after business hours, I'd probably call up Orenco Station and ask to speak to the author of this ad, just so I can find some closure to my issue with that adverb. I am "seriously" not going to be able to sleep tonight because of this.

UPDATE: Oh crap. It gets worse. SERIOUSLY:

Nexus is a newer community located in the heart of Orenco Station. We have it all here Seriously.. Shopping just seconds away, Costco,New Seasons and outdoor mall. Our clubhouse fetures a business center complete with FREE faxing for our residents! and 24hour fitness center. If you like lounging by the pool we have that too.. we also offer large gas grill and Fire pit to have the ultimate summer bbq by the pool... We love love our residents SERIOUSLY!!

UPDATE 2: Kill me now.

Seriously, Live Here.

Dogs in Snow

Only at the Ardea.
Whatevs.
Totally not my demographic.
UPDATE: Whoever writes the ads for the Ardea is a total douche nozzle.
For example:
"NEED A MAN CAVE?"
"NUT NUT NUTTIN"
Oh my god. They keep posting more as I'm writing this blog post. I'm going to be up all night LOLing.
Here's a link to all of them.
I was kind of in a bad mood until I found this, so thanks, Ardea. Now whenever I'm feeling blue, I'll just think of you and keep Nut, Nut, Nuttin' along.

Cedarhusrt Village

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Although I drive by this place almost every day, I know very little about it. I know it's kind of new--maybe built around 2004 or something (portlandmaps.com won't tell me). I want to say that it was meant to be condos originally, but I have nothing to back up that assertion. At any rate, it's always given me a bad feeling for some reason. Their ad on craigslist doesn't help:

Please read the screening process and criteria requirements:

Move in costs are one half of the first month rent and last months rent plus $350 security deposit. $382.50 + $765 + $350 = $1,460.00 on move-in day. This is a 12 month lease.

The application fee for our 3rd party screening company is $35.00. The screening includes Rental reference, criminal history, and credit. Any bankruptcies or previous evictions would be considered a denial.

Also, your income must meet 3x's the monthly rent of the apartment. In this case your gross verifiable income must be $2,300 per month.

Like I said, I have no reason to dislike this place. Just something about it rubs me the wrong way. I don't think I'd rent an apartment from them. Of course, maybe they're awesome.

Attack of the pet-friendly cyber concierge!

Sweet christ, where to start with this craigslist ad?

#C104 comes with 5 weeks free rent and waived deposit, waived admin fee, waived application fee, and 3 months free parking!

I can see them waiving the admin fee, since that fee will be illegal in 9 days. And I can see waiving an application fee, because it's probably only $40 or so. But FIVE WEEKS rent? Waived deposit? It makes me nervous that they are willing to give up $1375 in rent and $1100 in (admittedly refundable) deposit just to get a warm body in there. And let's say parking is $100/mo. That's $2775 in concessions to fill one apartment. Crazy. Why not just make the rent affordable and fill up the entire building in a weekend? Then there's this, which is just poor grammar:

VIEWS OF DOWNTOWN PORTLAND, THE PEARL DISTRICT,CLOSE TO NORTH ALBERTA, BELMONT AND HAWTHORNE MAX TRIMET PET FRIENDLY CYBER CONCIERGE 24 HOUR FITNESS LEED GOLD CERTIFIED GREEN NON-SMOKING, Pearl District, Art, Boutiques, Wine, Night Life, Restaurants, Train, Portland Street Car, Apartments, Condominiums, Walk to Shopping, 24 Hour Fitness, Coffee, Galleries, Views, Water, Jogging, Running, Downtown, Tri-Met, Max-line, Pets Allowed, Large Dogs, Small Dogs, Indoor Cats, 24 Hour Concierge Service, Professional Sales Team, River Views, Storage

I don't usually mind the lack of commas in craigslist ads, but doesn't that "sentence" make it sound like there's a 24-hour pet friendly cyber concierge roaming the halls, luring Fido and Fluffy into random storage closets for who knows what unspeakable green-certified debauchery? He's like The Terminator but instead of killing Sarah Connor he's retrofitting kittens with bioswales. 503.493.1700

The 20

Live the 20! You can get a 2bd for about $1400 or so. They have a fancy garage that stacks your car somewhere like in the future. I was fixing a faucet yesterday, and my tenant's Mom or Aunt or someone like that lives there and has supposedly been very late to work a few times because of said futuristic garage. Also, I saw a youtube video (can't seem to find it right now) in which someone touts the garage as "sustainable." Does that word even mean anything anymore? It seems to me that unless it runs on solar power and grows fresh ripe plum tuhmaters, then "sustainable" is just a fake marketing term. So, other than the crazy garage, it looks like a really pretty place.

2121 Belmont LOWERS their prices

The proof is in the pudding.

That 707 sq ft 1-bedroom that faces a concrete wall has gone down from $1275/mo to $1230/mo.  That's a savings of over 3.5%!!!one!

In all fairness, I haven't actually been inside.  Maybe it's totally worth it.

Cedarhurst Village Apartments

First off, let me just say that anyone that shells out $120 on one of those "Now Renting" banners from WelcomeHomeAmerica dot com or whatever is just silly. Do people actually pay any attention to those things? To me they just scream desperation, but maybe I'm just being too cynical.
Cedarhurst Village is renting a one-bedroom for $750. I get a dozen calls a day for one-bedrooms so I thought I'd post this. I should also mention that I stole this pic from InfoUSA, apparently.
At a recent portfolio meeting I heard that one-bedrooms were getting hard to rent out because the economy is forcing everyone to "double-up" and move into two-bedrooms. That's probably true east of about 72nd or south of Powell but I haven't seen that here in 97214.
Anyway, my favorite part of this craigslist ad is as follows:

Please send an email and I will get back to you to set up an appointment. If you do not hear from me right away we way may be experiencing a high volume of response. Thank you!!!

That's just awesome on so many levels. I'm going to have to start using that one.

Where your rent money goes.

Exhibit A: This.
The above link is a craigslist ad for my favorite building evar, 2121 Belmont. Take a look at that fanciness. Wonder what it pays to be the guy or gal in charge of professionally setting up model units so they look good in pictures (maybe that sculpture/clock thingie in pic #4 was found a thrift shop, so perhaps I'm being harsh). Or how much they pay their tech guy to update that website all the time. Or how much it costs to put ads in For Rent magazine (I'm not linking to that because Avira says it's full of viruses for some reason).
My advertising budget is $200 PER YEAR. I haven't spent any of it since 2004.
Maybe I'm just jealous. Or maybe I'm stupid for thinking anyone that can afford $2700+ per month in rent cares about where their rent money goes.

Yeah.

That condo project that turned into apartments at 2121 SE Belmont? They're finally leasing. One-bedroom apartments are $1275-$2430. Two bedrooms are $2550-$3125. That's not a typo. Those prices are even higher than I predicted when I first heard they were turning into apartments. Sweet Georgia Brown. Who can afford that? On Belmont? We need to all move to St. Johns. Who's with me? No? How about Astoria?
Anyway, you can reach them at 503.299.2121. If you know anyone that actually lives there, please steal $1900 from their purse and send it to me.

Wide angle lens

Maybe they didn't do this on purpose, but if they did it's hilarious. I should try using a wide-angle lens when showing pictures of apartments. Based on the photo to the left, that fridge looks about six feet deep! Anyway, if you want a studio in the John Ross over in SoWa for the affordable price of $1199, here you go.

I called it.

2121 Belmont, the ginormous condo project, is now officially apartments. I called that one back in July. It's great for you because about 100 new apartments just entered the market.  It's bad for me for the same reason.  I wonder what they'll want for a 1-bd 1-ba unit that up until a week ago was selling for over $400 per square foot?

"It's what the Pearl District once was."

This is laughable:

Tell me, when was the Pearl District anything other than a bunch of abandoned warehouses? Good luck, 2121 Belmont, with that whole $15,000 non-refundable deposit thing. I'll be sure to refer people to you when you convert from unsold condos to apartments.

Ritzdorf Court

Ritzdorf Court, located at 1225 SE Belmont, is currently on fire. I don't mean that in a "the apartments are really hot" sorta way. I mean that in a "there is smoke pouring out of the windows" sorta way. This doesn't help you find an apartment. Sorry.