Flagged On Craigslist

For this piece of innocence:

Available 1/6/12: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2fywgWF-XQ

I don't know what to say about this one. I think it was originally a 1bd but when they filled in the pool back in '98 they added the sauna and clubhouse onto this apartment. The result is a labyrinth of Bowie-esque proportions. Well, maybe not THAT cool, but I could definitely Jennifer Connelly running around in there. Aw hell, I could see her just about anywhere to be honest with you. As long as she doesn't ever play Audrey Hepburn in some sort of biopic. That (and her craggy hip bones that you can cut bread on) is what ruined Jennifer Love Hewitt for me. She is dead to me now. You hear that Jennifer Love Hewitt?!? DEAD!

Oh crap. Now I have to go watch Labyrinth again or I'm going to be saying, "You remind me of the babe" all day. Can you imagine if you were viewing an apartment and the landlord-dude said that to you? I'd cross that place off my list in a heartbeat, unless the landlord actually WAS Jareth the Goblin King.
Um...yeah. Tangent.
Water, sewer, garbage included. Off-street parking, on-site laundry and management. Small dog friendly. Indoor cat friendly.
$300-$700 deposit.
No pet rent!
$150 cat deposit.
$300 dog deposit.
No owl deposit!
$40 app fee.

As suggested, I posted on the craigslist forums to ask why that would get flagged. I got all kinds of answers. Some were obviously wrong: "No posting youtube links on craigslist," and "It's against the rules to post an ad for an apartment that isn't available immediately." Others were kind of sad to me, and they were all along the lines of, "You didn't say anything about the apartment!" Most had some misspellings. I was actually confused why it was removed, as I read through the entire Terms Of Use on Craigslist and found nothing wrong with it. Finally I got an answer: "Stop trying to be funny. We'll flag whatever we want."

Strange Days

I think we've hit a point in the apartment shortage that is beyond my level of comprehension. I'm going to present my evidence, and then explain later, deal? Here's the craigslist ad I posted in its entirety:

Available immediately:
I have a small ground floor 2bd apartment with brand new carpet/vinyl. All the windows face west so it's a pretty sunny little place. Here's a video that I took in 2007:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVmNNWtFKmo

I gotta say, 2007 was a long time ago so it looks a lot better to me these days. Watching old videos makes me sad and now I wish it really was 2007. So many things I would do differently. Last week's episode of Community has made me a little too introspective for my own good, I think. You can watch it on hulu if you want. Sometimes now I think that going to the Nightlight Lounge on March 27th, 2007 created a whole different timeline and now I'm "Evil Martin" complete with goatee. And in the REAL timeline--the timeline I'm supposed to be in--I'm happily married and in love and I'm not listening to old Depeche Mode albums so much. Don't get me wrong: Violator is awesome and all, but I bet that in the real timeline my musical tastes have evolved a little. And now I'm realizing that this ad for an apartment is getting kind of...awkward.

Okay. Let's keep it together here.

$735/mo on a 9-month lease includes water, sewer, garbage. On-site laundry, free off-street parking.
Cat deposit is $150.
Small dog deposit is $250.
Apt. deposit is $300-$700 depending on your credit and rental history.
Application charge is $40 per person.

Email is best, but you can also call me at 503.771.4040.

It's a totally shitty apartment but it's technically two bedrooms and way under market so I figured the only way I was going to rent it was being funny in my ad. I put in new carpet and vinyl and painted every square inch of the place, but it's just eyeliner and I know it. I figured with a Depeche Mode reference in the ad I'd get someone that sees the place for what it is and is happy. Sure enough, a couple of 21-year-old girls are the first ones to show up and they take it.

Normally, I'd call it good and move on. But as I'm signing paperwork with them, one of them flat-out asks me, "What did your ad mean?" I was a little taken aback so I asked her to elaborate. At this point I was still assuming that my awesome marketing technique was what brought them in. She responded honestly and truthfully, "What's a depeche mode?"

Once, in the summer of 2001, I wasn't paying attention while hiking and I fell off a small cliff. I slipped on some gravel and hit my chin on a sharp rock on my way down before landing in a ponderosa pine sapling. I thankfully didn't break any bones but ended up bleeding all over the place. When I extracted myself from the tree and realized that I was in the middle of the Oregon desert, alone, bleeding profusely, and nowhere near a medical facility, I had a "moment." I remember how quickly the drops of blood disappeared in the sandy floor beneath my feet and thinking, "Wow, life is so fragile. I'm a tube of blood and meat and sausage and if I don't take care of this soon I'm going to get absorbed into this desert as easily as anything else." And the weird thing was, I was kind of accepting for a minute. It was amazing how quickly the sand drank up and soaked up the the steady stream of blood that I gave up. It seemed like an hour but it was probably less than minute, but I remembered that I always keep a supply of maxi pads in the car so I eventually crawled the sixth tenths of a mile back to my car and taped a bunch of feminine hygiene products to the deep slice in my chin and drove to the medical center in Prineville.

And so ten years later, some random 21-year-old is asking me what a depeche mode is. The scar on my chin immediately starts to itch and I'm completely out of maxi pads.

Padmapper

Well, this is neat:

Fun Apartment Contest!

$25 gift card to the very New Seasons that this apartment building advertises to be within walking distance to for the first person that can tell me the two and a half things that are wrong with this craigslist ad.
HINTS!
The first issue can be found here.
The second issue is a borderline Fair Housing issue, if you're picky like I am.
The 2.5th issue is logistical, based on the architectural footprint of the building, and don't worry if you can't get this one because it doesn't really count.

I'm purposely picking on these people because they have a history of shadiness, based on what I've heard from people that have been turned down from living there. I have no idea whether or not the stories I've heard are true, and I want to make that clear. But I personally believe them based on the two and half issues I can see with their recent craigslist ad. $25 will get you a butt-load of bulk lentils, so please make your best guesses!

I'm on a boat!

What do Mel Gibson, Keanu Reeves, and Steve Guttenberg all have in common? They've all played characters that have lived the best movie cliche ever: Living on a boat. Sometimes I wish I weren't all responsible and stuff, because I could totally see myself being a washed-up former cop that starts his own detective agency who one day takes on the case of a lifetime. With sexy results!

For the owners...

I'm not sure if any multi-family property owners read this blog. My assumption is that most people that navigate here found it on the google or clicked over from a craigslist ad. But the other day someone forwarded me this article, and it seems relevant to my interests. So if you own a building and want to know whether or not to go the property management route, check it out. Also, if you own a nice 1920s bricker walk-up in 97214, let me manage it!

Breakin' the Law.

Okay, so we all know that House Bill 771 abolished pet fees right? Head over to Portland Craigslist and type in "pet fee" in quotes in the search bar. Most of the results will come up as places in Vancouver, and another good percentage of the results will be because the phrase "no pet fee" is in the ad. But an astonishingly numerous amount of rentals in Portland seem to still be advertising that they charge a pet fee!
Now, I'm not a fancy big time lawyer or anything (although I am quite fancy sometimes). But I would imagine that if one had enough time, one could make quite a living off of legal settlements from these places. I'm not sure that these ads are discriminatory, like when people advertise "no kids" or something, but you think there would be consequences.
I'm not suggesting that you try to make a living this way, by the way. Nor am I linking to any of the "pet fee" ads. I'm just curious.

Woot! Reader Question!

Martin. Avid reader of your site, even when not looking for a new place to live. I need help and a prayer- esp. considering what I am looking for. I have a yellow lab, looking for a 700+ sq. foot place (apt or house), close-in, and hopefully not over 900 a month....

Mission impossible? Yeah... I was afraid of that. But I was hoping that you may be able to help? I would forever be in your debt.

Hey Gerry:
If you're alright with the SE 40th and Powell, my Creston Villa Apts complex sometimes has 750 sq ft 2bds for $775-$825. I'm currently full, but I'm sure i'll have one in the next few months. APM has such a huge chunk of affordable 2bds in the close-in area, but they don't accept dogs.
What about this craigslist ad? I can't find them on the google though for some reason.
Or this downstairs part of a house on Mississippi?
Or this one on 61st? Too far?

A couple years ago when I started this blog I found most of the content just by taking my newborn son on walks around the neighborhood and seeing all the "for rent" signs. Our "territory" back then was bordered by Burnside and Division to the north and south, and 35th and 11th to the east and west. I always thought it was pretty amazing how most of the smaller complexes, plexes, and houses would rely solely on a sign. Maybe this weekend would be a good time to take the dog on an extended walk? Supposed to be 63 and sunny on Saturday.

In the mean time, I'll keep an eye out for dog-friendly places. You'll have to let me know if you absolutely want hardwood floors, because that might be the deal-breaker as far as "close-in" is concerned. Thanks for reading!

More 2121 Belmont lulz

It seems that 2121 Belmont--for some reason a project that I've been picking on (fairly?) since they broke ground--may be foreclosing soon. Despite being 94% occupied and getting at least $1.80/mo per square foot, that's apparently not even close to enough money to break even. For some context on $ per square foot, I have 2-bedrooms on 40th and Francis that fetch just over $1 per square foot (and that building makes pretty good money overall), and 1-bedrooms at the Queen Marie that get about $1.50 per square foot (and again, that building makes a pretty good profit). The article linked above is best summed up by this quote from Gary Winkler, portland real estate expert:

"But renters want to pay the same price, regardless of whether a unit has granite countertops or whatever."

My guess is that 2121 Belmont broke their budget with all those balloons they put out each morning. That can't be cheap.

Oregon Senate Bill 771

I just got back from a lengthy law seminar regarding all the changes to how I do things beginning January 1st, when Oregon Senate Bill 771 goes into effect. Most of it doesn't effect how we rent apartments, but there are a few important new laws that I thought the renting public should be aware of. Here's the short list:

• Landlords can't charge any more pet fees. My current dog fee is $300 and my current cat fee is $100. Those are out. I may have to start charging "pet rent" which means that if you have a dog the apartment is $625/mo, and if you don't the apartment is $600/mo, for example.
• Landlords can't charge move-in style fees. You know, like a $100 cleaning fee or a $200 "lock change" fee or anything like that. We only do that when times are really good (for us) anyway. I haven't done that since about June of '08.

• Landlords can no longer charge you to transfer apartments within the same complex.
• Upon moving out, landlords can now charge you for repairs they don't necessarily do. For example, if you scratch your hardwood floor just a tiny bit in the corner of the closet, the landlord can charge you for that--even without actually fixing it before the next tenant moves in.
• Using that example, landlords can now charge you for the days it takes to fix that hardwood floor (as long as it's done in "a timely manner.")
• The whole "non-compliance fee" thing has been restricted to only certain things. I've never charged a "non-compliance fee," so I'm not real clear on this. I guess in the past, landlords could charge you $25/day for having--using an example I heard today--a blue tarp on your patio. That's out.
• If you've lived in your apartment for a year and your landlord wants you out, they can't give you a 30-day no-cause notice anymore. Now it's a 60-day. Unless you're a horrible resident or have gone through a condo conversion, you probably have never heard of a no-cause notice.
• If you have a gas stove in your apartment, or if there's a boiler in your building, expect us to start knocking on your door to install CO detectors beginning 7/1/2010.
• Yes, we can still charge you $250 for taking the battery out of your smoke detector. I've never heard of anyone actually charging that, but there it is.

Most of the other stuff seems like general common sense, or just doesn't apply to 99% percent of renters. I'm sure I'll get a bunch of clarification on this in the future. If anything interesting pops up I'll let you know.

Arby's Makes You Pregnant

When I first read this review of my Creston Villa property on yelp dot com I was a little disappointed. The bumfights--sure--are seemingly a nightly occurrence, but they only happen at the Safeway bottle return area a block away. The reviewer says I'm awesome, which is nice. But she also implies that although she cleaned her apartment, I kept her deposit. If you look at her other reviews on yelp you can see that she's kinda funny in a 20-year-old girl sorta way: Arby's got her pregnant, the food at the swinger's club sucks, etc. Anyway, I looked up all the people that moved out between 6/14/09 (her first 7 reviews) and 7/28/09 (when she logged back in to yelp to review creston villa). I've narrowed it down to two people, and since I can't figure out how to respond to her on yelp I thought I'd just address the issue here.
If you break your lease, I have to charge you. It's stipulated on your rental agreement, and there's no way I can fudge the paperwork past the accounting department at the corporate office. If you do spray-painty art projects in your apartment, lay some newspaper down because spray paint doesn't come out of carpet. It just doesn't. If you adopt a cat, please make sure they're spayed or neutered so they don't spray on the walls and in the fridge. A fridge that smells like cat urine is so very, very unpleasant. And how did it spray in the fridge anyway? Were you keeping it in there at night? Weird. Finally, don't ever make me do a google image search for the phrase "pregnant arby's" again. At least not without changing the SafeSearch settings first. I can't unsee that.

rental-data.com

I think I've found either a scam or a poor business model. I was looking around on craigslist when I found what I thought at first was a two-bedroom house for $895. Turns out it's just a spammy post that wants you to go to this site and give them $35 to find you a rental. Why would I pay $35 to search some private company's database, when I can search craigslist for free? I'm thinking craigslist has a bigger selection by times a billion, so what gives? Am I missing something?

Facebook

I'm not sure how long I can actually stay interested in Facebook, but if you're a resident of the Lynnwood, Warnell, or Queen Marie Apartments (or even if you just want to be annoyed by more Facebook friends), you can friend me by looking up "Lynnwood Warnell Apts" on said social networking site. In the future I might set up another account for Creston Villa, and maybe one for the Sellwood House and Curry Court. I'm taking it slow.

Dangerous Phrases

I've been searching craigslist to see if this is still for rent, but can't seem to find it. But I did find this ad which made me nervous:

Spacious 1898 Victorian now available for rent! This is a perfect home for a professional couple. It has 2 bedrooms (the downstairs bedroom could be used as office, the upstairs bedroom has sitting area in front), remodeled bath, hardwood floors, high ceilings, elegant molding in the living room and dining room. Excellent location, quiet neighborhood, and you can walk to the New Seasons Food Market, and Hawthorne stores. (bold is my doing)

That's so close to saying that this isn't a perfect home for a family, or a single person, or whatever else you can think of. I'd probably be fired immediately if I put that phrase in one of my ads. Or maybe I'm just being too picky because of that fair housing class I had to attend last month.
Anyway, it's a nice house if you can afford $1650 for a two-bedroom.

Unicorn Burial Ground

As usual, I am late to jump on the latest Portland meme:  In this case, our response to that article about how Portland is the nation's most depressing city (I'm not going to bother to link to it) is to counter with the fact that Portland was built over an ancient unicorn burial ground.  Explains a lot.

Frozen blue penis as social commentary?

Okay, this post is a little blue, I know (!). But check out what awaited me when I pulled up to Creston Villa today. Yes, it's a gigantic frozen blue penis. The cell phone pic doesn't do it justice, but it's actually a very artistic frozen penis and whoever made it really put some work into it. Perhaps someone thinks I'm a dick. Of maybe, as Freud said, sometimes a frozen blue penis is just a frozen blue penis.

Palisades Properties

Anyone know about these guys?  First time I'd heard of them was today.  I'm totally going to get on their "Vacancy Hotlist."  Looks like they have quite a few neat things around town.

Gone Fishin'

If things seem slow around here lately it's because of two things:
Number one, the market is SUPER slow right now so I'm actually starting to have to do some actual work.
Secondly, I'm taking a lot of time off this year in celebration of Oregon's Sesquicentennial.
http://150or.blogspot.com/

Win Stuff.

Okay, here's the email I got from my boss today:

Happy Monday!!
It seems like traffic has really slowed down so how about this idea to try and get a few more people through the door??? Let’s offer a free gift for touring the property…how about something in your Craigslist ad like:
“Have A Latte On Us” and get some $5.00 gift cards from Starbucks
“We’ll Treat You Like A King!” and get $5.00 gift cards to Burger King…hey, I just thought of this, that’s pretty good!!
And now the challenge…email me your ideas, and judges in the corporate office will select the winner. You won’t want to miss out on the grand prize for the best idea!! I’m sure that you can all come up with at least one really great idea. Please have these to my by Wednesday, 11/19 at noon. I can’t wait to see what you come up with!!
Have a great week!

If you win this prize for me, we can split it. Best thing I can come up with so far is too close to that OB tampon commercial from the 90s to be appropriate. Really wish I had a link for that.

Here's why we charge you an application fee

Check out this story from the SF Weekly. It's a long read--and I don't want to give anyone any ideas--but this guy's lived for years without paying rent just by knowing how to work the system.