Flagged On Craigslist

For this piece of innocence:

Available 1/6/12: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2fywgWF-XQ

I don't know what to say about this one. I think it was originally a 1bd but when they filled in the pool back in '98 they added the sauna and clubhouse onto this apartment. The result is a labyrinth of Bowie-esque proportions. Well, maybe not THAT cool, but I could definitely Jennifer Connelly running around in there. Aw hell, I could see her just about anywhere to be honest with you. As long as she doesn't ever play Audrey Hepburn in some sort of biopic. That (and her craggy hip bones that you can cut bread on) is what ruined Jennifer Love Hewitt for me. She is dead to me now. You hear that Jennifer Love Hewitt?!? DEAD!

Oh crap. Now I have to go watch Labyrinth again or I'm going to be saying, "You remind me of the babe" all day. Can you imagine if you were viewing an apartment and the landlord-dude said that to you? I'd cross that place off my list in a heartbeat, unless the landlord actually WAS Jareth the Goblin King.
Um...yeah. Tangent.
Water, sewer, garbage included. Off-street parking, on-site laundry and management. Small dog friendly. Indoor cat friendly.
$300-$700 deposit.
No pet rent!
$150 cat deposit.
$300 dog deposit.
No owl deposit!
$40 app fee.

As suggested, I posted on the craigslist forums to ask why that would get flagged. I got all kinds of answers. Some were obviously wrong: "No posting youtube links on craigslist," and "It's against the rules to post an ad for an apartment that isn't available immediately." Others were kind of sad to me, and they were all along the lines of, "You didn't say anything about the apartment!" Most had some misspellings. I was actually confused why it was removed, as I read through the entire Terms Of Use on Craigslist and found nothing wrong with it. Finally I got an answer: "Stop trying to be funny. We'll flag whatever we want."

Virginia Lee Apartments

I'm so excited about this listing!

VIDEO TOUR of a similar studio in the same building: (the one we currently have for rent is approximately 50 square feet bigger than the studio show in the video)

This is a one of a kind studio in the heart of Ladd's Addition. It is in a small 12-unit building just minutes away from Hawthorne, Division, Belmont, Downtown and many other cool areas! We have a wonderful community of people here in our building, many of them long-term residents.This suite has a spacious living room. This studio also has a few walk closets and storage areas making it a very live-able space. Stunning hardwood floors throughout the unit, tile floor in bathroom, and many other nice amenities. This studio, as seen in the video, gets beautiful day light flowing in through the living room, kitchen and bathroom windows. This studio is nestled away from the main street (in the back corner of the building) so it remains very quiet. We have a 10 to 10 rule here, no loud noise before 10 am and after 10 pm.

I don't know where to start! Okay. Calm down. Patience.
I love the fact that--for no discernible reason--the video of the apartment has a fucking Gold Panda song in it. And it's a beautiful video. I say that only because it looks exactly like the videos for my apartments, but instead of my annoying, "Afternoon everybody, nice seeing you again," you get British electronica. Also! If you pause the video at :19 seconds, then I think I can see one of my ex-girlfriends. And it's kind of a pretty place, too: Hardwood floors, what looks like the original hex-tile in the bathroom, a toilet from the late 1940s. My only complaint is that they took out the steam radiators and replaced it with an ugly gas wall unit.
I've always liked the looks of the Virginia Lee because it reminds me of The Enchanted Forest. It was kind of a tradition to skip the last day of high school and drive down to Salem to smoke pot and get really creeped out by the sheer campiness of the whole place. I think they built Storybook Lane about the same time Gene Wilder was filming Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, and there's something kind of, well, off about those things. It's like watching an old episode of The Electric Company and feeling like you're getting away with something just by being a part of it. Kind of like you're having sex with your aunt's friend or shoplifting cat food.

Strange Days

I think we've hit a point in the apartment shortage that is beyond my level of comprehension. I'm going to present my evidence, and then explain later, deal? Here's the craigslist ad I posted in its entirety:

Available immediately:
I have a small ground floor 2bd apartment with brand new carpet/vinyl. All the windows face west so it's a pretty sunny little place. Here's a video that I took in 2007:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVmNNWtFKmo

I gotta say, 2007 was a long time ago so it looks a lot better to me these days. Watching old videos makes me sad and now I wish it really was 2007. So many things I would do differently. Last week's episode of Community has made me a little too introspective for my own good, I think. You can watch it on hulu if you want. Sometimes now I think that going to the Nightlight Lounge on March 27th, 2007 created a whole different timeline and now I'm "Evil Martin" complete with goatee. And in the REAL timeline--the timeline I'm supposed to be in--I'm happily married and in love and I'm not listening to old Depeche Mode albums so much. Don't get me wrong: Violator is awesome and all, but I bet that in the real timeline my musical tastes have evolved a little. And now I'm realizing that this ad for an apartment is getting kind of...awkward.

Okay. Let's keep it together here.

$735/mo on a 9-month lease includes water, sewer, garbage. On-site laundry, free off-street parking.
Cat deposit is $150.
Small dog deposit is $250.
Apt. deposit is $300-$700 depending on your credit and rental history.
Application charge is $40 per person.

Email is best, but you can also call me at 503.771.4040.

It's a totally shitty apartment but it's technically two bedrooms and way under market so I figured the only way I was going to rent it was being funny in my ad. I put in new carpet and vinyl and painted every square inch of the place, but it's just eyeliner and I know it. I figured with a Depeche Mode reference in the ad I'd get someone that sees the place for what it is and is happy. Sure enough, a couple of 21-year-old girls are the first ones to show up and they take it.

Normally, I'd call it good and move on. But as I'm signing paperwork with them, one of them flat-out asks me, "What did your ad mean?" I was a little taken aback so I asked her to elaborate. At this point I was still assuming that my awesome marketing technique was what brought them in. She responded honestly and truthfully, "What's a depeche mode?"

Once, in the summer of 2001, I wasn't paying attention while hiking and I fell off a small cliff. I slipped on some gravel and hit my chin on a sharp rock on my way down before landing in a ponderosa pine sapling. I thankfully didn't break any bones but ended up bleeding all over the place. When I extracted myself from the tree and realized that I was in the middle of the Oregon desert, alone, bleeding profusely, and nowhere near a medical facility, I had a "moment." I remember how quickly the drops of blood disappeared in the sandy floor beneath my feet and thinking, "Wow, life is so fragile. I'm a tube of blood and meat and sausage and if I don't take care of this soon I'm going to get absorbed into this desert as easily as anything else." And the weird thing was, I was kind of accepting for a minute. It was amazing how quickly the sand drank up and soaked up the the steady stream of blood that I gave up. It seemed like an hour but it was probably less than minute, but I remembered that I always keep a supply of maxi pads in the car so I eventually crawled the sixth tenths of a mile back to my car and taped a bunch of feminine hygiene products to the deep slice in my chin and drove to the medical center in Prineville.

And so ten years later, some random 21-year-old is asking me what a depeche mode is. The scar on my chin immediately starts to itch and I'm completely out of maxi pads.

Lynnwood Apartments #D

Available in a week or so:

Dear internet: By the time you read this, this apartment will be rented. Various economic factors have made any and all advertising useless. Random people from the Midwest show up out of nowhere and rent apartments from me without even looking at them. People have started to offer to pay more than the asking rent price just to be at the top of the list. Current residents have begun to rent other apartments in the same building out of speculation. Cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria.

Lynnwood Apartments #105

This apartment is already rented, but I like the video for it a lot.

Padmapper

Well, this is neat:

Fun Apartment Contest!

$25 gift card to the very New Seasons that this apartment building advertises to be within walking distance to for the first person that can tell me the two and a half things that are wrong with this craigslist ad.
HINTS!
The first issue can be found here.
The second issue is a borderline Fair Housing issue, if you're picky like I am.
The 2.5th issue is logistical, based on the architectural footprint of the building, and don't worry if you can't get this one because it doesn't really count.

I'm purposely picking on these people because they have a history of shadiness, based on what I've heard from people that have been turned down from living there. I have no idea whether or not the stories I've heard are true, and I want to make that clear. But I personally believe them based on the two and half issues I can see with their recent craigslist ad. $25 will get you a butt-load of bulk lentils, so please make your best guesses!